SHOW ME THE FUNNY!
Kelly Wittmann - Holly Springs, NC
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
Andy Schleich - Hillsborough, NC
Four guys all decide they are going to meet on Christmas morning and play golf. So they all go home and on Christmas morning there they all stand on the first tee ready to go. One guys looks at another and says, "How did you get out?" He responds and says, "I bought my wife a brand new car and when she saw it she said she had to go out and show all her girlfriends and family, so she will be gone for hours. The second guy says, "Well I bought my wife a beautiful new ring for Christmas and she stormed out of the house and had to do the same thing. Go show everyone! The third guy says, "I bought my wife a cruise that she has always wanted to go on and I gave her all the pamphlets and material to read so she was engrossed in that for hours." The final guy says, "those were all fine ideas but I got out of the house and didn't have to spend a dime. "How did you do that" one buddy asked? He said "I woke my wife this morning and said, "Hey honey it's a beautiful day outside but I have a hard decision to make of either making love to you all morning or playing golf." She looked up at me and said, "Don't forget your sweater!!"
Samantha Sliwa - Knightdale, NC
A man was walking along the beach when his foot hit something in the sand. He looks down and sees a dirty old oil lamp. He picked it up, dusted off the sand, and a genie popped out! The genie sighed and said, "Seriously, you are the fifth person to bother me today! I'm tired, I'll give you one wish if you leave me alone." The man replies, "Sure, I'll take one wish!" The man starts thinking and says, "I've always wanted to travel to Hawaii, but I am terrified of flying. I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so I can drive there! The genie shakes his head and says, "No, no, no, that's absolutely impossible! I can't do that, make a different wish!" So the man starts thinking again and says "You know, I've been married and divorced twice. I have a daughter who seems to hate my guts right now,so, I wish to understand woman. The genie replies, "What do you want, two lanes or four?"
Roxanne Mwangi - Apex, NC
There are 3 men at work on a construction site, one is blonde, one is a redhead, and the other is a brunette. Lunch time comes and as they sit down to eat. The redhead says "man, if my wife packs me salad for lunch one more time, I'm jumping off this building." The brunette opens his lunch: "Ugh! I swear if I have to eat one more taco for lunch I am going to jump off this building!" The blonde opens his lunch to find yet another sandwich. "If I have to eat another sandwich for lunch, I am going to jump off of this building!" So the next day comes and once again it's lunchtime. The three men sit down, the redhead opens his lunch and finds a pita wrap. "Oh man! No salad, finally!" The brunette opens his lunch and finds a huge sub. "Yes! No more tacos!" The blonde opens up his lunch, says "Oh man! Not another sandwich!" He then walks to the edge of the building and jumped! The redhead looks over at the brunette and says, "I don't know what his problem was! He packs his own lunch."
Cathy Famularo - Pinetops, NC
These two friends are always trying to one up the other, so they walk into a store & right under the watchful eye of the store clerk, one guy pockets three candy bars, they walk out & the one guy says to the other "top that". The other guy doesn't hesitate & say's "okay, come on back into the store". They get inside & walk up to the clerk & he says to the clerk "wanna see some magic?" Clerk says "yeah". Guy says "hand me a candy bar" clerk gives him a candy bar, guy eats it, balls the wrapper up in his hands, opens his hands & the wrapper is gone. Guy says to the clerk "give me another one" the clerk gives him another on, he eats it, balls the wrapper up in his hands, opens his hands & agian the wrapper is gone. He repeats this one more time. Guy says to the clerk... "you wanna know where those three candy bars went?" Clerk say's "yeah" the guy's point to his friends & said...... "check in his pockets" & walks out.
Mike Mayone - Raleigh
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs. The seven year old says "I think it's about time we start cussing". The four year old shakes his head in agreement. The 7 year old then says "when we go down stairs I will say hell and you say ass". Again, the younger one agrees. When they go down their mothers asks "what would you boys like for breakfast?" The 7 year old says "aww hell I think I'll have some Cheerios". The mother screamed at the top of her lungs and beat his butt all over the house! When she returns she asked the younger boy "Well now...what would YOU like for breakfast?" The four year old replied, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain't Cheerios!"
Sarah Thamm - Raleigh
A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hey , could I get a beer please" The bartender looks at him shaking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
Dee Dee Black - Raleigh
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies." He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" she asked. "Yep. 3 males, 2 females." he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Laura Witter - Raleigh
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Floyd Hall - Chesterfield
A Priest and a Rabbi were talking about celebacy, the priest bragged that he hadn't slept with his wife until after marriage, he then asked the Rabbi "how about you?" The Rabbi replied "I don't know what was her maiden name?"